I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize