somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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