i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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