Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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