The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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