if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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