hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
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