new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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