Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Randomize
