So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
