The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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