so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Randomize
