Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
