3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
