You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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