hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize
