I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
