enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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