I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
