Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize