Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize