You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Randomize
