genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
