we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
