I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
