can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
