I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
