My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
wow bdsm is so cute
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
