Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
