She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
