Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I just found puke in my bra..
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
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