Moan for me like Helen Keller
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Randomize
