What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
