please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
