i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
