Four minutes until I can fart!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize