I'm going to jail i love you
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
