piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
