Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Randomize