i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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