My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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