So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize