True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
Come on in and take your pants off
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