i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
