it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
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