"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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