I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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