she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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