he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
