So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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