If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
