I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
