This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
