Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
