Whats the glycemic index on semen?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Randomize
