stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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