My nipple is on Facebook.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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