Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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